How did this journal becomes a bed for crappy happenings?! Let me try to rectify that a little.

Something funny happened a while ago... I seen suaku looking butter cream sliced cakes. Quite song(2 intonation in Chinese). I was thinking that about the cake.

And another person comes along and says... Wow. 很传统

I love the diversity and the different pov. :) next time I see something very obiang... I shall rem... It's just... Erm. Traditional.

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I spit at myself.

For behaving like an ostrich when I should be soaring like a seagull.

For acting the fool when I should just be my intelligent self. ( gosh... Is this self praise?)

For being neurotic when I should have been blasé.

Here. A 3 part rhetoric list for myself today.

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You have moved on.

I am just that fool who, not lost but threw her pride at your feet.

Crap.

I refuse to get angry. Because I am to blame as well. I am just a tad sad that I had trusted you so much. And in return you could not grant me the same. Past hurts still cuts deep, no matter what. On your end and now mine. I just wished we did not have such connection. Because it is painful to think about that. Because I fear that this may be the strongest connection I felt with anyone. I must trust God. He will provide. Surely he has plans for me.

Human bonds are so fragile. And it snaps like that. I am just sorry for all that transpired.

I should move on too.

Surely like many other times... I should set you free to set myself free.

I am letting go now. Not because I want to but simply because I have to.

You have already done so.

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I hate squash because it is a single person hitting the wall. Gimme badminton, tennis or whatever it is that is more than a single person and the wall.

Talking to you have began to feel like that. Do I not worth even a minute of your time to respond? Or to respond to what I say instead of ignoring?

Is G really right? I should not be talking to you in order to recover?

G thinks that you are fishing, insincere and not worth it.

Surely my judgement is not that bad? I am certain I saw something deep inside. Something worth reaching out to. Am I a fool?

Why am I being penalized for being upfront? Why am I penalized for loyalty?

I know I should never apologize for how I feel.

But I am sorry, nonetheless, for the helplessness that I feel now.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I will know. Hopefully.

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因为我感觉我每天看见风和日丽。
因为那是我人生的一件必须要做的。
因为我深信我们有默契。
因为我非常窝囊。
因为我已经决定答案是或否我都能接受。
因为我是大白痴喽。

突然我感觉好累。

而那不是因为我只睡了三个小时。

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I am such a loser. I hate myself for blaming others. And I am very sorry.

Wrong calculations on my part.

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Feel so unsettled. Am I wrong to be upfront?

Am I upfront over the wrong things? But I don't want to be sneaky.

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One step at the time.

The steps seems too tiny for me.

How do I walk bigger steps without falling?

How do I walk faster steps without running?

How do I run without the fear of stumbling ?

Because this stumble may cripple my outlook? Although I know I will surely survive.

But I don't want to just survive... I want to thrive.

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"What is essential is invisible to the eye".